More Endings

Maybe this will never fully end. I've been told that.

I started tomoxafen two days ago. I saw the chemo oncologist on Monday.

Wednesday I took the day off of work to get my port taken out. It was outpatient surgery and ultimately not a big deal. I only had local anesthetic. I am glad it's gone. I was given it in a container to take with me. Yuck. I will likely toss it.

My hair is coming back nearly black. I don't know if it'll stay that way. I figure in a month or less I'll be walking around without my wig or scarves. I will probably have to have my hair cut and styled even though it's crazy short. I look unkempt at best when I take off my head coverings.

I'm good. Work continues. Boys are fabulous. My house is one mess after another. Ted is working too much but making good waves in the world. Life is good.

Ruth

The End

I had my last radiation treatment today. That says it all I think.

I will begin tomoxafin very soon. I am seeing the chemo oncologist Monday to get that going.

Thanks for checking in.

Of Course

I thought I was going to be done with radiation the Monday after Thanksgiving but of course, there's a catch. I will be done with the main radiation treatments. There are seven more called "the boost". Why cancer treatments get catchy titles, I don't know. I can tell you others if you ask.

Essentially, I will get seven rounds in a more local area on my body. It's not even regarded as a lot of radiation; supplemental even. I think that's why it got overlooked in communicating to me. For me however, it means seven additional days to haul downtown, seven days of running out the door earlier than I'd like from work, seven days to pay for parking, three days to pay for the additional help of picking up the boys, and seven more days of being separated from the boys for extra time. It truly sucks. There. I'm done with that.

This has added more stress to my life than I'd anticipated but....I'm feeling physically good. I'm tired today but I'm chalking that up to stress, work and schedule.

I'll be done December 4 unless I screwed up again. Well, actually Northwestern missed the communication with me. Did I mention that?

This will soon be behind us.

I'm getting hair! I'm not sure what's going on with the color! It looks darker. There's always an option for Clairol down the road, right?

Happy Thanksgiving. Mine will be good. I hope the same for anyone reading this.

Radiation

Catchy title, huh? Is anyone still reading this?

I started radiation yesterday. I am at a brand new hospital. It just opened less than a week ago. I am the fourth radiation patient.

The clinic is not fully up and running. For me that means hardly anyone around, new everything and a very good lack of commotion. I hope it also means that I'll be in and out quickly. I was promised I would be.

I'm handling things as Isaac and Toby make sure that I have no other options. They keep me in check.

I have a babysitter picking up Isaac and Toby on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It looks like I can get home on time but it gives me extra time two days a week. The boys love the sitter so it's good. It also gets them together a bit earlier which is good.

I have five weeks of treatments, five days a week. I'm going directly from work. It means no staying for extra whatevers including taking care of business. Home and work are definitely impacted but it is what it is.

This isn't about radiation but.... Toby had his birthday party on Sunday. It felt like the most normal event in our house thus far. It's so simple and so essential. We haven't had too many guests except people there for the purpose of communing with me through the ookiness of chemo or whatever. It was nice to have people there just to eat cake, get goody bags and to look at the little blonde boy blow out his candles. I wished with him.

Thanksgiving will be with Larry and Mary in Chicago. Thanks to them for that invitation. The Saturday after Thanksgiving will be in Indianapolis for a belated Thanksgiving with my family. I thought I'd miss this one but now I won't. I can keep my record of never missing a Thanksgiving with my family in Indianapolis. Thanksgiving will also signal the almost end of radiation as well. The Monday after should be the last one.

Again, so much to be grateful for and still some muck to wade through. It's less wading than I've been through thus far it seems.

Call, write, whatever. Or just check in here.

No More

Chemo treatments are finished.

One More!

I had a chemo treatment yesterday. I have some fatigue and some itching. The problem is Benadryl helps with itching but adds to fatigue!

I'm really really good. I'm back to complaining about things that blew past me when I was more afraid and more ill. I'm feeling like my old self whether anyone likes it or not. I don't think I'll ever take getting out of bed in the morning for granted again though. Getting out of bed is my definition of a good day.

I'm eating more organics and less meat. I pretty much gave up coffee which even I can't believe. Once radiation is done, I need to get exercise into my life. I find it truly impossible with my schedule. Duck if you're one of those who says there's always a way to make time for such things.

I wanted to thank my cousin Jennifer and everyone else for being kind and flexible. It looks like Thanksgiving will be on the Saturday after the real holiday. This is due to my radition schedule which is daily Monday through Friday. By moving it to Saturday, travel will be easier. I had toyed with the idea of not going but, no offense to the grown-ups that I love dearly, I couldn't get past Isaac not seeing Kate and Grace. I'm so glad we'll be there for Thanksgiving, Saturday or whatever. I don't think I've missed the gathering in my whole life and now I don't have to. This cancer took away a lot of special times so I'm glad this isn't among them.

My last chemo is October 1. It feels like my birthday is coming. Well, you know when you're a kid and it's your birthday. It's that kind of excitement.

The next step is to get some genetic testing. I've kind of decided, with input from my chemo oncologist, that if it looks like I'm carrying the DNA marker for breast cancer, it would make sense to have my ovaries taken out. Studies show that active ovaries can encourage further breast cancer and also lead to ovarian cancer. The link between the two is undeniable but it seems when the DNA is set with cancer in it only. If this makes no sense, I'll keep you posted on what happens next.

I'm good. I'm going to be even better. This is going to be behind us before you know it.

CT Scan

There's not much to report. I think it's largely due to my not wanting to report. I had a ct scan on Thursday. I now am tattooed but not in a fun way. I have two small black dots on my body. That's for aiming the radiation stuff. My first appointment is on October 23. I will go Monday through Friday for five weeks! It's only short sessions but hauling downtown and oh yeah working and oh yeah mothering two boys are the issues. It'll work. I wasn't given a list of options when this plan was put into place.

I've been into work a few times. Essentially I marvel at all there is to do and wonder who will do it. Then I realize that it's me and remember that I have no idea how to do the job. I hope I remember soon. Work officially starts on Wednesday.

Isaac and Toby will be with a sitter for the days I go into work this week. Toby will also have a sitter for two days next week. Isaac starts school the day after Labor Day. I think he'll be fine. I hope the school and the before and after school care program are okay.

I'm sad to let the summer go as it was such a sucky one. I don't know where to put in for a do-over. On the other hand, letting it go, means welcoming a better one soon. I also am looking forward to so much. There's a lot that's been missing. I realize that so much when I get bits back. I'm getting more back all the time.

Thanks to everyone who even gave me a kind thought. I hope when this is all over I properly thank everyone. I'm sure I won't but I promise to try.

I'm feeling verbose but perhaps less is more.

Another Chemo Down!

I went in for my first non-yucky chemo yesterday. So far, that medical description of "non-yucky" is accurate. I feel much more like myself and no hints of nausea or extra fatigue.

I had a rough go with the last chemo treatment. I had every symptom under the sun throughout the two weeks. I ended up losing five pounds over the two weeks and was dehydrated when I went in for chemo yesterday. It wasn't a huge deal as they hydrated me but that tacked an extra hour onto the chemo experience.

Barbara came for the first part of the experience and Mary stayed until the bitter end. It really does make time pass faster with somebody nice there. I ended up there from 10:30 to slightly after 4. Not what I had planned!

I think today since I'm feeling physically better than I've felt in some time, I just feel like this is all truly at some point going to come to an end. Psychologically, it's hard to separate chemo symptoms from cancer even though my cancer had no physical symptoms. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I went into work last week. There's a legal situation so it's a bit hairy but on the other hand, not really. It'll take a lot of extra work as will every case I have this coming year it seems, but that's okay. I was glad that I had the energy and the knowledge to compose a letter to an attorney. At least on my job, the missions are all so very worth it. It's going to be a wild school year but I'll be up for it. My principal has my back in professional matters and health matters so I'm good. I start work for real a week from Wednesday. I'm going in again on Friday though.

I saw Jennifer, Cathy and my mother last week. I wasn't 100% while they were here but we didn't do too much. I was very touched especially that Cathy came as she quickly returned to the Virgin Islands. Jennifer also helped so very much by hauling up here with my mother as I didn't foresee leaving Skokie anytime soon but did wish to see her.

I feel even better than on my good days with the other chemo. I think that junk is just out of me. I'm glad.

Reminder: Toby's birthday is in October. It's the 20th but we don't know when we'll be celebrating yet. It'll be at the house with some cake creation. We're discussing trains. Anyone reading this is invited.

Having read this, I realize, it's not all about chemo. My life is getting to be less and less about getting through this cancer treatment so while it's unrelated, I'm going to leave it. Maybe soon my posts about cancer will be single sentences.

No More Yucky Ones

I finished my last yucky chemo treatment yesterday. So, they say. The next four are supposed to be much easier with the nausea and fatigue elements removed.

I had a rough go yesterday with general fatigue, muscly stuff and crabbiness due to the duration of this. I felt better in the middle of the night so got up at 3:30. I thought it'd be okay to indulge as the boys were going to be out during the day. I had to take a nap today which turned out to be longer than I'd hoped and I'm still tired. I feel much better than yesterday though and tomorrow promises to be better than today.

My house is in dire straits and my mother and cousin(s) are coming on Sunday!! Whenever I think about getting to it, it doesn't happen due to fatigue. Today I went grocery shopping, did laundry and that's it. Scene.

I'm glad we have a/c and selfishly glad for the heat as it removes the guilt of taking the boys outside.

Last night, wonderful neighbors who don't have a disastrous house inside, took Isaac over for dinner and an attempted sleepover. He came back home at 10 p.m. which is what I was hoping for. So, it was a good night. We have the best neighbors across the street. They have a seven year old boy and a five year old girl. I hate that I met them at this time of my life but they'll see the real me soon.

I'm scheduled for the next four treatments. It'll all get interesting as three interfere with work. My principal has been kind and as I'm a union gal, she doesn't really have a choice. Still, she could make it difficult and really hasn't. I can't imagine working again but by the time it rolls around, I'll be much more myself.

We had a very good time in NH although the snob meter was up pretty high there. Don't get me wrong, I like to do the snob thing but I reserve it to pretending I know about wine, cuisine and the arts. This snob thing pervaded even grocery shopping and attitude at a beach! In my opinion, snobbery has its place here and there but not everywhere. So, the folk outsnobbed me. I guess when you have multi-million dollar summer homes in the east in the oldest resort town in the country, these things happen. It was beautiful though.

Ted's co-worker's husband, took my boys, his girls and me out for a couple of day trips. It was quite kind as it took navigating off of my shoulders. We would not have made the day trip to Maine on our own. So, kindnesses are always appearing and always appreciated.

I'm still me. I think more hair is going but at this point, whatever. I still have eyebrows and am hoping they hang on to the end. I'm still ahead of the game with hairloss but again, who cares?

Three Down

I had a chemo treatment yesterday. Three yucky ones down and only one of these kind left. The four after promise to be easier.

I had a yucky evening last night but am still doing well. Blood counts all good and last night was more about fatigue and an ooky full feeling. I took a nap today so feel worlds better.

I have to give myself a shot yet which has been Ted's job. He's already in NH. We're joining him on Thursday. I'm glad as we will have a quasi vacation. I'm hoping during winter break to do something more ambitious. The chemo schedule has ruined so many fun potentials and some plans.

When we get back, I have a chemo appointment immediately and then two other appointments during the week. One is a CT scan to help the radiation doctors actually make a target of where to point at me. It's early to do this but it facilitates missing less work to schedule now. Radiation will start roughly three weeks after chemo is finished.

I've been trying to get ready for the trip and trying to keep the house together. Somehow the house is a mess and I'm not fully ready for the trip. It'll happen.

I picked up some medication today called "Kytril". It's a complicated anti-nausea medication that actually deals with one's brain not stomach. It sort of tells your brain to not acknowledge the nausea. I've barely used the samples I was given but thought I'd better fill the prescription. It cost me $40 but would've cost $1200 plus, full price! I really might not even use any or at least most of it. The pills are in sample packages. I'm writing this as I want to find a way to donate them should anyone have chemotherapy, need for these pills and crappy insurance. I can part with the leftovers that would be unopened in October. I'm also going to work on finding a connection but if anyone has any ideas, let me know, please.

We're leaving Thursday for NH. It'll be fun. It'll be nice to leave appointments behind for over a week.

We're all okay. The boys couldn't be better behaved. I hope this continues at the airport.

Cinderella?

I'm still doing well after my second round of chemo. I'm supposed to be sicker than last time but so far I'm much better. I have a weird and intermittent appetite but that's the worst of it. My energy could be better but it could be a lot worse. So, I'm appreciative for so much.

The big news is......I had my head shaved! Look. It was going to happen slowly and miserably so it was kind of like pulling a bandage off quickly. I found a very kind guy via the internet and a weird Google search of "chemo hair cut". I had trouble convincing two hair cutters to just get rid of it. I thought I had to go somebody who knew what this was all about. This guy had a very bad cancer and is living to tell about it. He let me cover my eyes and turned my back away from the mirror whenever possible. I cried a little before it all began but only a very little. No weeping.

The whole shop was set up for the um....older set. Let's just say, I was by far the youngest person there. Turns out that the older ladies were interested and kind about my loss of hair and of course my circumstances. When these big things happen, environment can be everything. It was in this case.

The other big news is that I walked out wearing a wig. I hadn't intended to buy one but this kind guy is also a good salesman. So, I have a wig that looks great. I'm not wearing it so much yet. I do the scarf thing. I will wear the wig when I return to work and when I go out for an evening I guess. Or not. We'll see. I'm hoping insurance will help cover it as it's supposed to. Hey! I have a prescription for a "cranial prosthesis". That's insurance talk for "wig". We'll see.

I'm not as freaked out about this as I'd expected. It helps that I feel pretty good physically. I think this journey is different for everyone of course. I can't lament my hair when I have survived what I've survived thus far. I have further to go but I've come a long way. I am no longer living in cold fear. I am with my children when they are with me. I am not sneaking away to cry. I am with everyone. I am actually less different now than when I was diagnosed, going through surgery and still had hair. At that time, I was functioning elsewhere and in some other capacity that I don't ever wish to return to. This is better. I also know that after this, it gets even better.

Today, Toby asked if he could touch the spot where my port was put in. It looks yucky as there is still glue stuff on it, a wound and a bruise. Oh yeah. I'm not just bald. I'm feeling Frankensteiny on top of that. But back to Toby. I let him touch the spot. I asked him if he thought it was yucky or if it scared him. He said, "No, you're Cinderella." So, I'm listening to my wise boy. I'm trying to think of myself as Cinderella rather than Frankenstein. I'm telling you, the boys make it do-able.

Port and Chemo

I went in yesterday to have a port put in. This allows easier vein access. Creepy, yes but easier yes. Let's just assume there will be a lot of creepy and I won't note it again. The procedure was not fun but not so painful. Ted and I were there for a very long time as Northwestern seems to have ongoing problems with the concept of scheduling. I waited slightly short of forever and then went in. I ended up being there all day with Ted and am glad we had help to pick up the boys. So, lots of time wasted but procedure successful.

The port was accessed today for my chemo treatment. It is definitely way better than without. I'll spare you details on that. Just less painful and so much quicker.

My friend Gayle came today. I don't know if she's reading this blog but she's amazing. I actually regard today as a very fun day.

She's one of those people I'm friends with so that Isaac can be friends with her girls. I'm glad Isaac did this for all of us.

She stayed and we jabbered through chemo which made time go quickly. We then went to lunch at Bistro 110. I decided that anyone who is kind enough to go to chemo with me gets a free snobby lunch. We had great food and yet more of a good time. My appetite is going so I'm glad we did that.

I feel relatively okay but can feel post-chemo symptoms coming. Wednesday and Thursday will be my hardest days I bet and I'm not scheduled for anything.

My hair is making its exit. It is sad but I've been prepared for it for so long. I have my groovy scarves. I'm wearing one now. I don't want to walk around shedding. I had my hair cut shorter on Monday but darn it if it didn't turn out so cute! The point was to get a shocking hair cut and then be less shocked at its loss. Oh well. Until Thursday, I'll have cute hair.

This part is nearly unbelieveable but I have the proof. Today I got the mail and there was a shampoo sample! It's true! Funny joke from God I guess. I get it, I get it.

All of my blood counts were great. The nurse read them to me as if they had meaning. Of course I then had to ask, "Are those good?" She said, "They're great!" So, they're great.

I had a bizarre case of hives that has recurred a few times. I've never had them in my life but the chemo people tell me it's not chemo related. My husband, the shrink thinks it might be, "sublimation of anxiety". He's like that. He means well.

Benadryl gets rid of it so I was told to continue this if it occurs again. So, it's treatable and not a big deal.

I won't go back in until the 23rd of July for my third treatment. Now Elizabeth and Gayle are fighting over who gets to go. I think the publishing of the free lunch did it. I have good people to stick with me. Barbara will join me again in August so I'm covered. Some family have offered to come too.

There's a thunderstorm here. The boys are home. I'm still okay for now and even when I've been sick, it hasn't been THAT bad.

I might post again when I'm without hair. I might wait until my next treatment. It's always okay to e-mail or call too.

At this very moment, I don't feel too bad or too sad. The job is to really really keep living and to not mark time until this is over. My boys make that happen whether I like it or not so they'll pull me through. They always do.

Gotta go. Thunderstorms are scary if you're two.

Chemo, I Guess

I actually did type something and thought I saved it as a draft but apparently not. So, I'm behind. It's largely because this is the last thing I wish to talk about. However, I think it unkind to not inform so here I go.

I will cut to the chase.

I started chemotherapy on Monday. It sucks.

I will have eight sessions scheduled for every other Monday. That means four months in total. The first four treatments are the ones that will make me ill, weakened and oh yeah, bald. It's all more angering or saddening than scary. I'm more likely to have a pity party than to be frightened.

I am going to have a port put in to make it easier to go through the chemo process. It's another procedure and another requirement for outpatient surgery complete with anesthesia although the twilight stuff. I'm now way too familiar with all of this and understand it all too well.

The nurses in the chemo room coudn't be nicer. I have no complaints with any people in this process.

I am saddened that I am experiencing a kind of flattening to my life experience. I think it is due to the fact that I am managing my physical effects and while trying to function normally, I am fully aware that I am not.

I have lost forever time with my children. I will never get those water park trips that didn't happen back and I'll forever feel guilty for the games not played and the books not read as I was tired. This all worries me as the next three treatments only promise to make matters worse.

I am open to anyone coming to any treatment with me. The environment is actually not creepy. I get a recliner and can have a blanket and/or pillow if I want. There are many trashy magazines to be had. They have dvd players to borrow. There are snacks and beverages. I'm not saying I'd like to hang out there if not for this but it's not depressing. The always amazing nurses keep up the spirits and are always seemingly free to talk about what's going on. I hate that I'm going through this but know that I'm in the best of hands.

I don't know what else to post. I am looking into lots of scarves and have made a few purchases in this area. I am not fully receptive to the wig idea. I just don't like the concept and as I will soon again have hair, I don't regard it as necessary. Maybe I'll change my mind.

I'm really okay. It's kind of the trenches to wade through so I'm wading. I know there is an end to this.

The boys are in good places during the days when I want them to be so I'm lucky in that they are happy and demands are then minimized on me. I am also so very lucky to not be going to work. I can't imagine that. I will have chemo overlap with work in the fall but it won't be these first four rounds which are the harder ones.

I'll be at Jennifer's next weekend. I will look the same. Monday after Jennifer's I go in for the port. The next day another chemo treatment.

By Halloween, this will be over. In the mean time, I am choosing to endure this to better insure life without cancer in the future. So, my family and I will get through this.

I'll try to post again after the next chemo treatment and the port surgery. Yahoo! Or maybe I'll post after I get a cool scarf or something.

Next Appointment

My next appointment is with a chemo oncologist. It is for the morning of June 22. This will be another physical, I'm sure record review and then discussion of what's next. This is what I imagine it will be.

The radiation oncology appointment is for the following Friday on the 29th. It will be a similar appointment I'm guessing with a plan for radiation put into place.

This gives me some time to regroup and heal from surgery. It also prevents me from having to miss any more work as I'll be off at that time. I'm hoping my mother, Pat and Conda will be in town for part of this respite between work and the next appointment.

I'm doing well. I am feeling good.

Good-bye, Surgery

I just deleted what was surely going to be regarded as the internet's best blog posting. Oh well.

I got my drain thing removed today. Life is so much better. I didn't realize how much of my discomfort was due to that.

The pathology report stated that there was NO cancer in the additional fourteen lymph nodes removed. Hallelujah! The cruel thing is that I was handed the report without a decoder so couldn't really make sense of it. I kept reading the word "no" and seeing the number zero so I assumed that was good. I didn't want to assume that without being 100% sure so I had to wait for the surgeon to tell me what all of the big words, numbers and symbols meant.

I also now have the chemo oncologist and the radiation oncologist's phone numbers. I didn't call today. It can wait until Monday. After this posting, I plan to think as little about cancer as possible. I'm done with it until I call on Monday and start getting ready for the next round.

I know chemo won't be easy. I know in fact that it'll suck. However, I do believe with very good reason that I'll live a long time with more guarantees if I do it. I can tolerate anything if that's the pay-off. I'm not afraid of chemo. I've already gone through scarier things than that. I have worries about my boys with all of this, but we're a good team so I'm sure they'll help me figure out how to help them.

I am so very grateful for so much. I am happy. I am well. My tears now are not about being afraid.

I get a minor rest until Monday when I call the chemo and radiation folks. I'll post again after I communicate with them.

Friday Early Afternoon

I am through with surgery. I don't feel as euphoric as last time as I thought two weeks ago was my last surgery. I am assured that this is it for surgery. I am finding with cancer that there are unforeseen shoes to drop so I'll wait until pathology reports to fully exhale from this part of this experience.

The lymph node area called the fat pad was removed due to the finding of the 1/2 mm area of cancer in the sentinal node. That is the lead node to this area.

I asked the surgeon the following scary question: Can my cancer status be turned into scarier numbers if large amounts of cancer are found in the remaining lymph nodes? He said that the odds of that were less than 1% as he'd have seen it at the previous surgery. As it was so small and in the primary lymph node, nearly impossible to happen.

He also told me that odds are about 50/50 for there to be any cancer taken out from yesterday's surgery. He told me that along with trying to get rid of any doubt of cancer, the chemo oncologist needs to get all of the information so that my future with chemo can be best refined for me. So, yesterday's surgery was actually mostly for my future with chemotherapy. I sort of understood that before but my surgeon drew pictures for me yesterday and he couldn't do that over the phone when we spoke before. I also am not so trustful of what sounds like good news when it's in any kind of speculation stage.

It's all okay.

I am wearing a drain. It's not attractive but not as complicated as it was in my mind prior to surgery. That will be taken out in ten to fourteen days.

Pathology report will be delivered on Tuesday.

I am feeling much better than I'd anticipated. I don't have true pain per se but rather discomfort. I have to be somewhat careful. I have range of motion issues more than strength or true mobility issues. I've been told to resume normal activity without straining.

I slept last night.

I have today off with no boys and Ted will pick them up. I have gone out to a grocery store and another store. I might go out again. I also might make cupcakes as we have a few people coming over tomorrow. Deviled eggs are in process.

I'm learning to take smaller steps. I've been disappointed a few times when I've leapt too far ahead. I'm good for now in this interim between surgery and the pathology report.

I have two questions to pose to my surgeon who is to call me back today.

I feel more pro-active. I'm moving in on living differently with food. After I mend, I will re-introduce myself to exercise. I found a book online that doesn't look as flaky as some of the others. I think I'll give it a shot.

I am actually quite happy, feeling okay and getting my reserve together for what's next.

I will return to work on Tuesday.

I'm off to putter around. I can tell that I'm emotionally doing well as being alone is very nice today and not scary.

Happy Memorial Day! I am going to have three days off with my family, a grill and new lawn furniture. Did I mention that we moved to the suburbs?

Ruth

Second Surgery Schedule

Tomorrow I am to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. Barbara is taking care of getting the boys up, dressed and out the door. I will undergo general anesthesia and then have an area of lymph nodes called the fat pad removed. It is under my right arm.

I will post again when I feel up to it. It will be Friday at the soonest.

My spirits could be better. It sucks to face worse than what I already did. On the other hand, this will save my life so let's go.

I'm glad it's early.

Ruth

Schedule for Second Surgery

I will go in on Thursday of next week. That's May 24. This will give me five days off as I will also take Friday off, have the weekend and then Memorial Day off.

I don't know the time. I will know on Wednesday what time of day the surgery is scheduled for.

I will post again after surgery.

Ruth

More Surgery

As you can tell by the title, the news could be better.

As it turns out, the clear lymph node wasn't so clear. After more pathology looks, there was a 1/2 mm area of cancer. This means, I have to go back. I have to have a worse surgery.

The surgery will happen next week. I don't know when yet. I'm guessing Thursday. This will be to remove an area called a fat pad. It is where lymph nodes are clustered. I will undergo general anesthesia. I will then have to have a drain put in. This is an area the breast naturally drains into but given that healing needs to occur, the draining will be diverted. This is as best as I can understand this.

This is still outpatient surgery. Sounds terrible but sleeping at home with my children beats a hospital stay.

This also seals the deal for chemo. Had there been nothing, I think that would have been at least debatable.

If I have to find something optimistic, it is this. The area was so very tiny that even on-site biopsy and looks, found nothing. It is 1/2 mm. In the world outside of cancer, that doesn't even count. With cancer, it all counts. So, I'm going back in and with a situation I didn't really understand was a possibility.

The areas called margins, which are surrounding areas of tissue around the tumor, were all clear.

It's not a good day. This of course could be worse. I am here. I have two boys in the bath in the next room. They are the only people I know who remain at least mostly ignorant of this. Their ignorance is a breath of fresh air. I'm glad that they can't understand this. I wish I couldn't most of the time.

I'm finding mentions of prayers disturbing. If you wish to pray or put me on prayer lists, that's fine. I don't necessarily need to know about those kindnesses.

I will live through this. It's going to be a hideous summer. Some day I will look back on it and be glad that I got through it.

Post Surgery

How do I keep coming up with these snappy titles?

I am home for the day. I am .........FINE!!

The whole day yesterday was very delayed due to whatever. Nothing to do with me but hospital stuff. I already had a late appointment so with delays waited an extra nearly two hours and didn't get home until 8 p.m. or so.

For some reason my head was really on straight yesterday. While surgery is scary, it didn't seem nearly as scary as not surgery. Getting rid of this thing that has haulted a lot of my joys and brought such darkness to me seemed like something to rush to rather than to run from. My only fears were about somehow some undetected elements coming up during surgery. That didn't happen so hallelujah!

As with any easy-sounding procedure or surgery, there were 45 pre-procedures and then pre-pre-procedures. I got through them all. I had needles placed, radioactive shots, dye, removal of a lymph node and oh yeah, tumor removal.

The lymph node was removed and biopsied just to make darn sure. It was clean so it still appears that the lump was it. The lump is now gone. Good riddance!

I will hear on Monday what pathology has to say. I have great difficulty reading about any cancer so I'm functioning in ignorance. I think they will tell me more specifically how aggressive it was and from that, we'll discuss what's next for me. I remain ignorant because I can't tolerate reading about cancers. I never understood choosing ignorance on any subject but here I am. I am reading a bit here and there but nothing in great detail.

I'm feeling fine. I have to stay off of my feet for very extended periods just due to discomfort. Not pain mind you. I got up too early because I think I was just glad to be home and feeling relatively good. I plan to nap and run only a couple of errands. I'll get the boys after school too.

We are going to a birthday party tomorrow. I wouldn't miss it because there will be a magician!

I'm very much myself and very much concerned with the smaller things in life that end up being what matter most. For now, I'm not contemplating ominous issues that none of us can really comprehend.

I'm realizing that I'm not going to become one of those women who really really weave this into their identities. This is an isolated event and even if there's more down the road, it's not me. It's just something that unfortunately happened.

I do plan to volunteer once this is over. I have found a person who works for a volunteer organization who has herself had breast cancer. Her thoughts, words, knowledge and kindness pulled me out of some dark holes. I hope to do some pulling myself when I'm through needing the help here and there.

I promised not to ramble and then I did it.

One last word to every single woman. Sounds trite but, please get your mammograms. They are the easiest tests to go through ever. Anyone who says they hurt or are difficult is ridiculous. The stakes are too high to avoid them. They are quick and painless. The detection rates and survival rates are increasing as we speak and it's largely due to mammograms being done regularly. If you go, I have stickers for you. I do that at work so maybe it'll give everyone who reads this incentive.

If anyone you know has avoided them, please encourage them to go. If you have avoided them, please go.

I'm off to decide how to spend the day. It's quiet here. I've never experienced this!!!

Ruth

Pre-Surgery

I went in for pre-op review on Wednesday. It was a blood test and a chest x-ray.

The hospital world in its ever-impressive sensitivity had a questionnaire about a living will. I realize it was general to all surgeries but could we have talked about this earlier, later or how about never? I am compiling a quickly-growing last of bizarre elements at the hospital during various procedures, waiting, etc. I also have a list of bizarre comments said to me that were less than helpful to say the least. I'd post it here but it's probably only entertaining to me so I'll spare you. For now!

My surgery remains scheduled for Thursday. I want it over but now that it's near, it is a bit scarier. Procedure-wise, it'll be less than some of the testing I've been through they say.

After that, in a few weeks, I'll find out what's next. It's likely to be chemo. Scary but it's a safety, preventative kind of thing. Whatever.

I do believe that I'm in for a battle. It's a battle that I don't have very much control over so that is the truly scary part. If love, laughter and will help, then I'm good. I didn't think I'd get to a place to laugh at macabre things but I'm getting there.

I have very long stretches of time now where I don't think of this. When I do think of it, it doesn't usually bring me to a screeching hault as it once did. It might again, but for now, I'm moving and letting the dumb stuff in life bug me again.

Just as I have a list of bizarre comments that were not well-received, I also have a bigger list of out-of-the-blue kind words and acts. It's a much bigger list. That is the list that makes me cry. The good cry.

I will post again after surgery. In the mean time, my house is a mess, Isaac and Toby are fighting about a railroad track, I brought very important paperwork home with no time to do it and oh yeah...it's all good.

More probably on Friday.

Ruth

Schedule

It's been an unpleasant rollercoaster but for now, there is a calm before the next round of events. I'd like to hurry it up but the surgeon is available when he's available. It gives me time to pull a few things together especially for work I guess.

I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy on Thursday, May 10. On May 2, I will go in for a blood test and chest x-ray. That's standard I guess for all surgeries.

The surgery is only outpatient and I will not even be fully sedated.

I won't post until things move so you don't need to check in here. If you wish to call, write or whatever, you can do that directly.

Thanks for checking in.

MRI and Biopsy Second Round

Yesterday's procedures were um....yucky. I wasn't fully prepared for the environment I was thrust into. Likewise the duration and preparation for the whole event were sorely underdeveloped as they were described to me. But, it's over.

I had an MRI-guided biopsy. Two areas were biopsied to see if they were also malignant. I was moving into the world of mastectomy talk.

The good news is that those areas were found to be benign. Now what was once the worst news of my life (having a malignant lump) is feeling pretty good. It's small. It's isolated. I can do this as an outpatient. I will be able to function and live as I am now. My life seemed suddenly better at 2:25 pm today when I got the call that this remains an isolated lump.

It's been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I can't imagine why I wasn't given a blank prescription pad to fill in as I so wish to help manage me through this. I guess given what's going on, I'm okay. My spontaneous bursts into tears seem to be diminishing. The dark and scary stuff is for now at bay. I am living and celebrating again.

I realize that I am not alone in this. I mean this in good ways but also bad. I know that many have taken on extra worries along with me. I thank you all. Take a break from it now as I plan to.

I won't post again until I speak with my surgeon. That is likely to be Wednesday or Thursday. From here, I schedule the lumpectomy. There's more after that and this is hardly the hardest part but this process is getting on track. The sooner this all starts, the sooner I can put it behind me.

Ted and I are going to tell Isaac of this tonight. I'd rather inflict great pain upon myself but it has to be done. I hope he doesn't get it and tries to negotiate a toy out of the deal. I hope he regards it as a boring conversation that interrupted his time making a mess somewhere. I just hope he doesn't get afraid.

I'm fine and will continue to be so.

MRI Results

I just got a phone call. It's hard to relay as there's kind of no news but another hurdle. It's a little hurdle.

My MRI revealed that there are no lymph node concerns. My left side remains good too. The issue that was brought up is that on the right side in an outer area there is an area that is to be investigated further. If it should prove to be malignant, it would still be considered early detection and the same kind of cancer.

I was previously told to expect that this exact thing might happen. I had hoped of course it wouldn't but I am also still able to hope that this area is nothing. The surgeon told me that biopsies that follow-up such MRI's are even usually nothing. So, let's hope. If it is something, it's still do-able but perhaps with more serious surgery.

I am so very glad nothing horrid was presented to me. I am not glad that I have to go in for yet more inspection and yet more waiting.

I will go in Monday morning at 7:00 to get the biopsy done. I am going to take the day off of work. I could do a half day but I'm not sure why I'd attempt that.

Thank you for your thoughts, words, etc.

Ruth

First Blog Posting (Catchy huh?)

I always thought people who blogged were just full of themselves. Maybe that's true. I am pretty self-consumed these days.

I am lucky in that people want to know what's going on. I guess this is one of those "journeys". Although it's one I'd rather not be on, here I am. I am just lucky that I am taking some people along for this ride. I know it's not a pleasant one, so thank you for joining me.

The lovely question I keep getting is, "What can I do for you?" That question is its own act of kindness. Most of the time I answer truthfully by saying, "Nothing but thank you". Calling and e-mailing are their own acts. I want to be the person I've always been. I might be wiser and ultimately more grateful but still me.

It's important to me right now to keep doing what I always did. I go to work. I go home. Both are demanding places but both environments are filled with kind people. Home keeps me going. It doesn't sadden me. It is what I most worry about so is somehow also what brings me the most comfort.

I feel quite ignorant at this time. I find reading information about cancer nearly intolerable. I do well with reading from survivors. I am also not comfortable with the term "survivor" as it reminds me that some don't.

This is my first posting. If this gets too silly, I'll spare you and go back to e-mailing.

I have NO idea how to put groovy pictures here but I will work on that for future use.

I don't want this to be a sad place. I will just post here periodically with my updates so that you can check in if you wish.

The only update right now is that I went through an MRI yesterday. It wasn't too hideous. I had a lovely nurse managing the situation. I'll find out tomorrow or in a few days what was found. There are strong possibilities of false alarms. Of course I hope that I just get the same news I already have. Waiting is hard. There's going to be a lot of it so I'd better get good at it.

Thank you to everyone for kind words. They mean a lot. Please don't worry about fumbling. I'm fumbling a lot.

If you're reading this, you're important to me. Thanks for being there.