Chemo, I Guess

I actually did type something and thought I saved it as a draft but apparently not. So, I'm behind. It's largely because this is the last thing I wish to talk about. However, I think it unkind to not inform so here I go.

I will cut to the chase.

I started chemotherapy on Monday. It sucks.

I will have eight sessions scheduled for every other Monday. That means four months in total. The first four treatments are the ones that will make me ill, weakened and oh yeah, bald. It's all more angering or saddening than scary. I'm more likely to have a pity party than to be frightened.

I am going to have a port put in to make it easier to go through the chemo process. It's another procedure and another requirement for outpatient surgery complete with anesthesia although the twilight stuff. I'm now way too familiar with all of this and understand it all too well.

The nurses in the chemo room coudn't be nicer. I have no complaints with any people in this process.

I am saddened that I am experiencing a kind of flattening to my life experience. I think it is due to the fact that I am managing my physical effects and while trying to function normally, I am fully aware that I am not.

I have lost forever time with my children. I will never get those water park trips that didn't happen back and I'll forever feel guilty for the games not played and the books not read as I was tired. This all worries me as the next three treatments only promise to make matters worse.

I am open to anyone coming to any treatment with me. The environment is actually not creepy. I get a recliner and can have a blanket and/or pillow if I want. There are many trashy magazines to be had. They have dvd players to borrow. There are snacks and beverages. I'm not saying I'd like to hang out there if not for this but it's not depressing. The always amazing nurses keep up the spirits and are always seemingly free to talk about what's going on. I hate that I'm going through this but know that I'm in the best of hands.

I don't know what else to post. I am looking into lots of scarves and have made a few purchases in this area. I am not fully receptive to the wig idea. I just don't like the concept and as I will soon again have hair, I don't regard it as necessary. Maybe I'll change my mind.

I'm really okay. It's kind of the trenches to wade through so I'm wading. I know there is an end to this.

The boys are in good places during the days when I want them to be so I'm lucky in that they are happy and demands are then minimized on me. I am also so very lucky to not be going to work. I can't imagine that. I will have chemo overlap with work in the fall but it won't be these first four rounds which are the harder ones.

I'll be at Jennifer's next weekend. I will look the same. Monday after Jennifer's I go in for the port. The next day another chemo treatment.

By Halloween, this will be over. In the mean time, I am choosing to endure this to better insure life without cancer in the future. So, my family and I will get through this.

I'll try to post again after the next chemo treatment and the port surgery. Yahoo! Or maybe I'll post after I get a cool scarf or something.