Chemo, I Guess

I actually did type something and thought I saved it as a draft but apparently not. So, I'm behind. It's largely because this is the last thing I wish to talk about. However, I think it unkind to not inform so here I go.

I will cut to the chase.

I started chemotherapy on Monday. It sucks.

I will have eight sessions scheduled for every other Monday. That means four months in total. The first four treatments are the ones that will make me ill, weakened and oh yeah, bald. It's all more angering or saddening than scary. I'm more likely to have a pity party than to be frightened.

I am going to have a port put in to make it easier to go through the chemo process. It's another procedure and another requirement for outpatient surgery complete with anesthesia although the twilight stuff. I'm now way too familiar with all of this and understand it all too well.

The nurses in the chemo room coudn't be nicer. I have no complaints with any people in this process.

I am saddened that I am experiencing a kind of flattening to my life experience. I think it is due to the fact that I am managing my physical effects and while trying to function normally, I am fully aware that I am not.

I have lost forever time with my children. I will never get those water park trips that didn't happen back and I'll forever feel guilty for the games not played and the books not read as I was tired. This all worries me as the next three treatments only promise to make matters worse.

I am open to anyone coming to any treatment with me. The environment is actually not creepy. I get a recliner and can have a blanket and/or pillow if I want. There are many trashy magazines to be had. They have dvd players to borrow. There are snacks and beverages. I'm not saying I'd like to hang out there if not for this but it's not depressing. The always amazing nurses keep up the spirits and are always seemingly free to talk about what's going on. I hate that I'm going through this but know that I'm in the best of hands.

I don't know what else to post. I am looking into lots of scarves and have made a few purchases in this area. I am not fully receptive to the wig idea. I just don't like the concept and as I will soon again have hair, I don't regard it as necessary. Maybe I'll change my mind.

I'm really okay. It's kind of the trenches to wade through so I'm wading. I know there is an end to this.

The boys are in good places during the days when I want them to be so I'm lucky in that they are happy and demands are then minimized on me. I am also so very lucky to not be going to work. I can't imagine that. I will have chemo overlap with work in the fall but it won't be these first four rounds which are the harder ones.

I'll be at Jennifer's next weekend. I will look the same. Monday after Jennifer's I go in for the port. The next day another chemo treatment.

By Halloween, this will be over. In the mean time, I am choosing to endure this to better insure life without cancer in the future. So, my family and I will get through this.

I'll try to post again after the next chemo treatment and the port surgery. Yahoo! Or maybe I'll post after I get a cool scarf or something.

Next Appointment

My next appointment is with a chemo oncologist. It is for the morning of June 22. This will be another physical, I'm sure record review and then discussion of what's next. This is what I imagine it will be.

The radiation oncology appointment is for the following Friday on the 29th. It will be a similar appointment I'm guessing with a plan for radiation put into place.

This gives me some time to regroup and heal from surgery. It also prevents me from having to miss any more work as I'll be off at that time. I'm hoping my mother, Pat and Conda will be in town for part of this respite between work and the next appointment.

I'm doing well. I am feeling good.

Good-bye, Surgery

I just deleted what was surely going to be regarded as the internet's best blog posting. Oh well.

I got my drain thing removed today. Life is so much better. I didn't realize how much of my discomfort was due to that.

The pathology report stated that there was NO cancer in the additional fourteen lymph nodes removed. Hallelujah! The cruel thing is that I was handed the report without a decoder so couldn't really make sense of it. I kept reading the word "no" and seeing the number zero so I assumed that was good. I didn't want to assume that without being 100% sure so I had to wait for the surgeon to tell me what all of the big words, numbers and symbols meant.

I also now have the chemo oncologist and the radiation oncologist's phone numbers. I didn't call today. It can wait until Monday. After this posting, I plan to think as little about cancer as possible. I'm done with it until I call on Monday and start getting ready for the next round.

I know chemo won't be easy. I know in fact that it'll suck. However, I do believe with very good reason that I'll live a long time with more guarantees if I do it. I can tolerate anything if that's the pay-off. I'm not afraid of chemo. I've already gone through scarier things than that. I have worries about my boys with all of this, but we're a good team so I'm sure they'll help me figure out how to help them.

I am so very grateful for so much. I am happy. I am well. My tears now are not about being afraid.

I get a minor rest until Monday when I call the chemo and radiation folks. I'll post again after I communicate with them.