Friday Early Afternoon

I am through with surgery. I don't feel as euphoric as last time as I thought two weeks ago was my last surgery. I am assured that this is it for surgery. I am finding with cancer that there are unforeseen shoes to drop so I'll wait until pathology reports to fully exhale from this part of this experience.

The lymph node area called the fat pad was removed due to the finding of the 1/2 mm area of cancer in the sentinal node. That is the lead node to this area.

I asked the surgeon the following scary question: Can my cancer status be turned into scarier numbers if large amounts of cancer are found in the remaining lymph nodes? He said that the odds of that were less than 1% as he'd have seen it at the previous surgery. As it was so small and in the primary lymph node, nearly impossible to happen.

He also told me that odds are about 50/50 for there to be any cancer taken out from yesterday's surgery. He told me that along with trying to get rid of any doubt of cancer, the chemo oncologist needs to get all of the information so that my future with chemo can be best refined for me. So, yesterday's surgery was actually mostly for my future with chemotherapy. I sort of understood that before but my surgeon drew pictures for me yesterday and he couldn't do that over the phone when we spoke before. I also am not so trustful of what sounds like good news when it's in any kind of speculation stage.

It's all okay.

I am wearing a drain. It's not attractive but not as complicated as it was in my mind prior to surgery. That will be taken out in ten to fourteen days.

Pathology report will be delivered on Tuesday.

I am feeling much better than I'd anticipated. I don't have true pain per se but rather discomfort. I have to be somewhat careful. I have range of motion issues more than strength or true mobility issues. I've been told to resume normal activity without straining.

I slept last night.

I have today off with no boys and Ted will pick them up. I have gone out to a grocery store and another store. I might go out again. I also might make cupcakes as we have a few people coming over tomorrow. Deviled eggs are in process.

I'm learning to take smaller steps. I've been disappointed a few times when I've leapt too far ahead. I'm good for now in this interim between surgery and the pathology report.

I have two questions to pose to my surgeon who is to call me back today.

I feel more pro-active. I'm moving in on living differently with food. After I mend, I will re-introduce myself to exercise. I found a book online that doesn't look as flaky as some of the others. I think I'll give it a shot.

I am actually quite happy, feeling okay and getting my reserve together for what's next.

I will return to work on Tuesday.

I'm off to putter around. I can tell that I'm emotionally doing well as being alone is very nice today and not scary.

Happy Memorial Day! I am going to have three days off with my family, a grill and new lawn furniture. Did I mention that we moved to the suburbs?

Ruth

Second Surgery Schedule

Tomorrow I am to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. Barbara is taking care of getting the boys up, dressed and out the door. I will undergo general anesthesia and then have an area of lymph nodes called the fat pad removed. It is under my right arm.

I will post again when I feel up to it. It will be Friday at the soonest.

My spirits could be better. It sucks to face worse than what I already did. On the other hand, this will save my life so let's go.

I'm glad it's early.

Ruth

Schedule for Second Surgery

I will go in on Thursday of next week. That's May 24. This will give me five days off as I will also take Friday off, have the weekend and then Memorial Day off.

I don't know the time. I will know on Wednesday what time of day the surgery is scheduled for.

I will post again after surgery.

Ruth

More Surgery

As you can tell by the title, the news could be better.

As it turns out, the clear lymph node wasn't so clear. After more pathology looks, there was a 1/2 mm area of cancer. This means, I have to go back. I have to have a worse surgery.

The surgery will happen next week. I don't know when yet. I'm guessing Thursday. This will be to remove an area called a fat pad. It is where lymph nodes are clustered. I will undergo general anesthesia. I will then have to have a drain put in. This is an area the breast naturally drains into but given that healing needs to occur, the draining will be diverted. This is as best as I can understand this.

This is still outpatient surgery. Sounds terrible but sleeping at home with my children beats a hospital stay.

This also seals the deal for chemo. Had there been nothing, I think that would have been at least debatable.

If I have to find something optimistic, it is this. The area was so very tiny that even on-site biopsy and looks, found nothing. It is 1/2 mm. In the world outside of cancer, that doesn't even count. With cancer, it all counts. So, I'm going back in and with a situation I didn't really understand was a possibility.

The areas called margins, which are surrounding areas of tissue around the tumor, were all clear.

It's not a good day. This of course could be worse. I am here. I have two boys in the bath in the next room. They are the only people I know who remain at least mostly ignorant of this. Their ignorance is a breath of fresh air. I'm glad that they can't understand this. I wish I couldn't most of the time.

I'm finding mentions of prayers disturbing. If you wish to pray or put me on prayer lists, that's fine. I don't necessarily need to know about those kindnesses.

I will live through this. It's going to be a hideous summer. Some day I will look back on it and be glad that I got through it.

Post Surgery

How do I keep coming up with these snappy titles?

I am home for the day. I am .........FINE!!

The whole day yesterday was very delayed due to whatever. Nothing to do with me but hospital stuff. I already had a late appointment so with delays waited an extra nearly two hours and didn't get home until 8 p.m. or so.

For some reason my head was really on straight yesterday. While surgery is scary, it didn't seem nearly as scary as not surgery. Getting rid of this thing that has haulted a lot of my joys and brought such darkness to me seemed like something to rush to rather than to run from. My only fears were about somehow some undetected elements coming up during surgery. That didn't happen so hallelujah!

As with any easy-sounding procedure or surgery, there were 45 pre-procedures and then pre-pre-procedures. I got through them all. I had needles placed, radioactive shots, dye, removal of a lymph node and oh yeah, tumor removal.

The lymph node was removed and biopsied just to make darn sure. It was clean so it still appears that the lump was it. The lump is now gone. Good riddance!

I will hear on Monday what pathology has to say. I have great difficulty reading about any cancer so I'm functioning in ignorance. I think they will tell me more specifically how aggressive it was and from that, we'll discuss what's next for me. I remain ignorant because I can't tolerate reading about cancers. I never understood choosing ignorance on any subject but here I am. I am reading a bit here and there but nothing in great detail.

I'm feeling fine. I have to stay off of my feet for very extended periods just due to discomfort. Not pain mind you. I got up too early because I think I was just glad to be home and feeling relatively good. I plan to nap and run only a couple of errands. I'll get the boys after school too.

We are going to a birthday party tomorrow. I wouldn't miss it because there will be a magician!

I'm very much myself and very much concerned with the smaller things in life that end up being what matter most. For now, I'm not contemplating ominous issues that none of us can really comprehend.

I'm realizing that I'm not going to become one of those women who really really weave this into their identities. This is an isolated event and even if there's more down the road, it's not me. It's just something that unfortunately happened.

I do plan to volunteer once this is over. I have found a person who works for a volunteer organization who has herself had breast cancer. Her thoughts, words, knowledge and kindness pulled me out of some dark holes. I hope to do some pulling myself when I'm through needing the help here and there.

I promised not to ramble and then I did it.

One last word to every single woman. Sounds trite but, please get your mammograms. They are the easiest tests to go through ever. Anyone who says they hurt or are difficult is ridiculous. The stakes are too high to avoid them. They are quick and painless. The detection rates and survival rates are increasing as we speak and it's largely due to mammograms being done regularly. If you go, I have stickers for you. I do that at work so maybe it'll give everyone who reads this incentive.

If anyone you know has avoided them, please encourage them to go. If you have avoided them, please go.

I'm off to decide how to spend the day. It's quiet here. I've never experienced this!!!

Ruth

Pre-Surgery

I went in for pre-op review on Wednesday. It was a blood test and a chest x-ray.

The hospital world in its ever-impressive sensitivity had a questionnaire about a living will. I realize it was general to all surgeries but could we have talked about this earlier, later or how about never? I am compiling a quickly-growing last of bizarre elements at the hospital during various procedures, waiting, etc. I also have a list of bizarre comments said to me that were less than helpful to say the least. I'd post it here but it's probably only entertaining to me so I'll spare you. For now!

My surgery remains scheduled for Thursday. I want it over but now that it's near, it is a bit scarier. Procedure-wise, it'll be less than some of the testing I've been through they say.

After that, in a few weeks, I'll find out what's next. It's likely to be chemo. Scary but it's a safety, preventative kind of thing. Whatever.

I do believe that I'm in for a battle. It's a battle that I don't have very much control over so that is the truly scary part. If love, laughter and will help, then I'm good. I didn't think I'd get to a place to laugh at macabre things but I'm getting there.

I have very long stretches of time now where I don't think of this. When I do think of it, it doesn't usually bring me to a screeching hault as it once did. It might again, but for now, I'm moving and letting the dumb stuff in life bug me again.

Just as I have a list of bizarre comments that were not well-received, I also have a bigger list of out-of-the-blue kind words and acts. It's a much bigger list. That is the list that makes me cry. The good cry.

I will post again after surgery. In the mean time, my house is a mess, Isaac and Toby are fighting about a railroad track, I brought very important paperwork home with no time to do it and oh yeah...it's all good.

More probably on Friday.

Ruth

Schedule

It's been an unpleasant rollercoaster but for now, there is a calm before the next round of events. I'd like to hurry it up but the surgeon is available when he's available. It gives me time to pull a few things together especially for work I guess.

I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy on Thursday, May 10. On May 2, I will go in for a blood test and chest x-ray. That's standard I guess for all surgeries.

The surgery is only outpatient and I will not even be fully sedated.

I won't post until things move so you don't need to check in here. If you wish to call, write or whatever, you can do that directly.

Thanks for checking in.